with one glance.

Two years ago today I was in a stadium in downtown Kansas City ringing in the New Year with roughly 30,000 other people. I was at a conference/celebration put on by the organization known as IHOP (International House of Prayer). A group of young adults from Fourth Avenue Bible Church, Maranatha, and The Drop-In made the 18 hour drive down to Kansas to attend 'One Thing'.

For some time I had been feeling drained, yucky, empty, slightly depressed. I was in my first trimester with baby Ammie and I had just gotten over the whole 'morning sickness' deal. My emotions were out-of-whack and my body was seriously exhausted. My relationship with God had become second, then third, then fifty-seventh on my list of things to do and people to care for; it can be easy to let this happen when you are a pastor's wife. Anywho, back to the conference in Kansas. 'One Thing' had a prayer room that you could go to to...well, pray. I snuck in there a few times to listen to the live worship band, relax and...well, pray. Definitely one of the highlights of my trip; there were a number of singers and they would sing scripture and then turn it into a song right then and there. A very wonderful way to worship, at least it was for me. During one of my visits I was praying and I asked God to show me the state of my 'heart'...an odd request, but one that I felt might help me on my path to restoration. Well, God did show me my heart and it was awful. The best way that I could describe it would be the burnt/charred remains of a cardboard box (a many many layered box). It basically looked dead to me, but upon closer inspection, way way way down inside, in the very middle of the heart I saw a little bright red speck...something living! Tiny, but living. The speck was so insignificant in size that one would wonder if it even made a difference. I was overwhelmed by how charred my heart looked. What hurt even more was that I felt it was me, well, I knew it was me who lit the thing on fire. I wondered how God could see anything in that, if He could even love that. I was then guided to Song of Songs 4:9, which reads, "You have stolen my heart, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes". I knew that God was speaking directly to me through this passage and through the vision of my heart. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was saying to me, "Bria, you might be a mess, but you are the apple of my eye". It didn't fix everything in my life but I heard it loud and clear.

In thinking about this past year and this coming year I can't help but think of that vision that I had two years ago. To be honest, I don't feel like much has changed in my heart or in my relationship with God. I thought that I would have had more worked-out by now, but I don't. Everyday seems to be a struggle trying to understand what God has for me. I feel as though I am constantly wrestling with Him over everything; I try to figure things out, but at the end of the day, I'm back at square one...I'm back at that tiny little red speck of a heart and trying to listen to the Lord say to me, "with one glance of your eyes Bria". After being a 'Christian' my entire life and feeling like I should be growing in wisdom year after year it turns out that this year I've been holding onto the basics (clinging, actually). So, my prayer for 2009 is that I will continue to wrestle with God and maybe, just maybe, I will be changed, renewed, and refined.

"Take my heart-and form it,

Take my mind-transform it,

Take my will-conform it,

To yours, to yours,

Oh Lord"

handmade christmas.

Here is just a small sampling of things that I made for Christmas:

for julia.

The Village People

(disturbing)
If you want to know why I posted a picture of The Village People you should head on over to Julia's blog and read her latest post.

Malawi's Song

Prunella and I needed a break from our sewing, so I took time to watch a short documentary that I've had on my 'to-do' list. It's about 30 minutes long and I highly recommend spending your next half-an-hour learning more about the children of Malawi.

http://www.ctv.ca/malawi/chapter1.html

*sneak-peek of homemade gifts soon to come*

just a note.

I feel as though I need to apologize for the lack of posting and overall quietness that my blog has been experiencing these past few days; James and I are trying very hard to do a 'Handmade Christmas' this year. I've been a very busy bee...actually, Prunella has been the busy bee (I think that I've even been dreaming about sewing). At least I'm getting something done. It feels good to see my 'Handmade Christmas' vision come to fruition. I've heard that a lot of other families are trying to steer their Christmas festivities in the same direction, something which pleases me greatly. I love Christmas, but I hate the consumerism that has seeped into so many peoples homes (although I do feel that is an all-year-round problem, not just a December issue). I hate the panic and mayhem over getting the biggest and best gifts, giving and receiving. So my personal solution to combat the Grinch from entering our home is to make gifts. Simple. Thoughtful. Thus the reason for my absence from the blogging world. My apologies to those of you who are going through Bria withdrawal...I'll be back soon:)

bundle time.

I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I was horribly unprepared for winter this year. My list of winter gear to get for the kids was a lot longer than it should have been considering we live in a climate that is dominated by blizzards and killer wind chill. I needed jackets, mittens, scarfs, pants, boots, hats...everything. Thankfully Ammie fits into Rhys' old snowsuit, and I'm not the type to care if the colours are right or not (since she's probably going to outgrow it in record time). My last piece to the puzzle, Ammie's boots, were purchased this past Wednesday which meant that my children could now venture into the Great White North. I am very excited about this fact, something that is driven by 'cabin fever'.
On Thursday I bundled the kids up (which took me, and I'm not joking about this, half and hour to do), plopped them in the waggon, and dragged them over to Cousin Cadens house. What a workout! I was huffing and puffing, drenched and exhausted by the time we pulled the waggon up to the house. "I must do this more often" I excitedly exclaimed. The children loved getting out of the house and Ammie found it so relaxing that she slumped over and fell asleep on the way home...it also could have been that I tied her scarf a bit too tight. So, I must say a big THANK YOU to Ruth for giving me the motivation to get out of my house in order to freeze the sad/bad cells, because it totally worked.

*on a side note, my friend Jen called just after I got home from our snow adventure asking if she could come over for a little while. I enthusiastically agreed to having someone over. We had a nice chat while the kids napped, she stayed for dinner, she helped me get the kids off to bed and then did the best thing a friend could do...we stayed up late watching Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking some very yummy wine. We compared the new version of Pride and Prejudice to the BBC version and then to the book. We repeatedly gushed over Mr. Darcy and gave our opinions of all of the characters, the scenes, the furniture (that was mainly my doing)...all while stuffing our faces with Christmas baking. All in all, a very good day*

surviving the lows

Bria's Tips For Surviving Bouts of Depression:

(James is working like crazy and I find when he's gone a lot I'm more susceptible to pits of emotion and despair. So I'm compiling a list of things to consider or do so I can refer back to it when I'm feel a little blue. I'm open to any and all suggestions with what works for everyone else.)

1. Pray every 5 seconds for P.A.T.I.E.N.C.E. and Joy.
2. Make the bed when you wake up.
3. Have a good bowel movement in the morning...the world will become a better place instantly.
4. Start the morning with tea, not coffee. Healthier.
5. Make yourself presentable by 9:30. It will foster some good ol' self esteem (and when I happen to look in the mirror I won't think someone is back from the dead).
6. Bake something before noon. It's hard to be depressed when somethings baking in the oven.
7. Work on a painting. Creativity = Therapy
8. If the house is messy, CLEAN IT! As stated in previous posts, my attitude is often a direct result of my living environment.
9. Call someone to chat. Talking to toddlers all day long is enough to make anyone go crazy.
10. Make another cup of tea and read a book.
11. Take out the garbage. For some reason this always makes me feel wonderful.
12. If horribly tired and cranky, have a nap.
13. If having a pitty party, don't have a nap.
14. Sew something cute. Possibly another monster hat.
15. Play all of my favorite hiphop songs and dance around the house with the kids. This never fails to lift my spirits considering dancing toddlers are one of the cutest things on the planet (and my toddlers particularily enjoy busting-a-move to Madonna's '4 minutes').