I was standing in an aisle at Micheal's yesterday holding two watercolour sketch books trying to decided what weight of paper I liked better when the little voice in my head brought me back down to reality. "When will you have time for this?" it said..."You're not even that good and you're not going to frame any paintings, what a waste of money!" and, as per usual, I believed the voice and put both books down wishing that I did have time and that I was better at painting.
I remember hearing a woman talk about entering into motherhood in regards to packing for a trip, or something to that effect. You leave certain things behind, you pack what you want to bring along for your journey for later, and you wear an outfit during your travels. She said that motherhood was similar in that you just need to leave certain things about yourself behind, things that were maybe not that important to you. You also need to pack things that are meaningful that you might want to continue later on, when baby grows up. And finally, there are certain things that make you YOU, so one needs to wear those regardless of becoming a mother or not. This analogy resonated with me and pulled at one of my heart strings, I just wish that I had heard it before I became a mother. I would have given more time and thought to what I believed made me special and unique, what I just liked to do, and what I could live without. I guess where I'm going with this is that I feel all muddled inside, like I'm holding onto things that I just kinda liked and I let-slip the things that really made me Bria.
I used to paint all of the time, it was one of the major ways that I expressed myself and I've lost that. I realize that I don't have the same amount of time to dedicate to painting that I used to, but when I do sit down with my brushes there's just nothing there. I've lost my inspiration and drive and I feel like I've lost a part of me. Theater was also a huge passion of mine and I haven't done anything theater-ish in years...years.
Everyone inevitably says, "oh, just wait until the kids get bigger, then you'll have the time to do what you want" but in the meantime I just sit around feeling as though there are these huge holes in my character. I feel like I'm not fully Bria, but maybe I'm no longer good at those things that made me Bria and if I'm not then I've lost part of me, and then what makes me me in place of those things? That was a horribly confusing sentence and it's left me even more confused. Hm.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
that really resonates.
I imagine you don't really want advice... but... I think you should sit with your painting supplies anyway. Just to remind Bria that Bria is still there. And its okay to feel sorta sad that it seems like you've maybe lost part of yourself along the way. You are not alone.
Post a Comment