hope.

So I've been rather absent from blogdom lately and for that I apologize. I truly feel bad for all of my faithful readers who stop by every day hoping to get yet another small glimpse into the crazed life of Bria, or a laugh at my expense, or a look at how weird my children are. Instead of being updated and entertained I've unjustly left you to watch 'Pasta Restaurant' over and over again. I'm just joking, I know that you don't stop by every day. Anyways, my blog has been fairly quiet this week because my mind has been the opposite and I fear that if I start typing I won't stop and then I'll say things that aren't ready or needing to be said. And so I've just kept my distance...until now. Here we go.

I had a friend come over the other day for a much needed heart-to-heart. I called her the day before to ask her if she could find some time to be with me while I wrestled with a few (many) heavy things. She came over the next morning and I must say that I feel blessed to have her in my life. Friends like her a much needed breath of fresh air. It turns out she had been praying for me and had been led to a specific verse so she decided to share it. The words rang true and ministered to exactly where I found myself at. The verse was Romans 5: 1-5 which says, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ...

Hope does not disappoint us. Hope does not disappoint us. That line took my breath away and since that day I've been saying it over and over and over. Truth be told, I noticed my heart begin to change and grasp at this idea of hope before my friend shared this verse with me but when you are faced with the truth of scripture as it directly relates to what you are thinking and feeling in the depths of your being...man, it's like fireworks.

At a time where I should be writing about how the world is against me, I find myself writing about hope. Actually I find myself thinking about it, praying about it, and most of all trying to figure out how to live it. Hope has been swirling around in my mind and heart for a few weeks now and I've been slightly reluctant to open the can of worms.

As many of you know I've been fairly (read: insanely) stressed these past few months, and indeed these past few years. Life, for me, seems to be getting harder and harder and harder. Why has God brought me through this? Why is God allowing this or that or the other thing? I ask myself these questions day in and day out. It's not that my circumstances have become less...bleak (there are still many things that I have no clue what to do with), it's that I've begun to look at them in a different light and put my hope in the Lord and not in man. I'm not sure why God chose these past couple of weeks to perform a heart change in me but I'm glad that he did. I've started seeing God's blessing in my life, I've started seeing his hand at work, I've started running to him when I feel panicked or anxious. Part of this movement was brought on by listening to one of my favorite pastors from a church in the States talk about the book of Ruth. He spoke about God's invisible hand of providence, sanctified suffering, how Ruth was faithful and not foolish, how God is sovereign and good, how Naomi was brutally honest about where she was at, oh, there was so much more. (I suggest you just head on over there and listen to it! I posted a clip from the sermon a few posts back and you can access the whole sermon through that.)

I think that's what I'll leave you will today. I have a lot more to say and hopefully I was able to formulate my thoughts enough to convey where my heart is at. I honestly feel so strange for feeling all of this. It is against all odds (or at least it feels like it) that at the end of each day my heart has stayed intact and that my hope is in the hands of the Lord, and that, my friends, is because God wants to help, and He can, so He does.