this & that

THIS

It seems as though I've fallen into yet another pit of emotion. Ugh. The ups and downs...I just can't take them. I wish it was all just up up up. (I'm sure that everyone knows one of those types of people who are always happy. They are always laughing, always chipper, full of life, full of energy. I usually shoot a few dirty glances at them because I just don't get it. I don't get it because I'm not one of them...how horrible is that? I shouldn't be mad at them because they're full of joy! I shouldn't be bitter. They aren't the problem, I'm the problem. I'm the one who needs to make changes.) I feel as though I've been at war with myself for the past week. This whole 'don't shop' thing has really made my head spin. It's hard to pull away from something that you've used as a crutch for so long. Not even just a crutch, I've used it to define part of who I am. I've found worth in it. Again, how horrible is that? Unfortunately I've been to the mall 3 times since I made the 'thrift for a year' goal. It's been good and bad. I haven't bought anything and I actually haven't even picked up an article of clothing! But I'll see a store that I love or clothes in a window and it's just as hard. I'll find myself 'ooooo-ing' and ahhhh-ing'. The next moment I'll notice how much people are consuming; clothing, food, stuff. Then I'll find myself 'ewww-ing' and 'ugh-ing'. I want to consume. I want more, bigger, better, nicer. I want to reduce. I want less, simpler, smaller. I want success. I want money, recognition, status. I want to be Godly. I want joy, wisdom, wholeness. I feel a pull both ways. Am I the only one who thinks about this on a daily basis?

THAT

On a lighter note...here are some pictures of what we've been up to this past week. I've been trying to keep the kids busy and we are trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. The picture of Amelia's shoes is for Julia...I thought that you would get a kick out of them.

happy birthday little girl.

Amelia Kate - Newborn

"Little girls are the nicest things that happen to people. They are born with a little bit of angel-shine about them and though it wears thin sometimes, there is always enough left to lasso your heart-even when they are sitting in the mud, or crying temperamental tears, or parading up the street in mother's best clothes...There are millions of little girls, but each is as precious as rubies. God borrows from many creatures to make a little girl. He uses the song of a bird, the squeal of a pig, the stubbornness of a mule, the antics of a monkey, the spryness of a grasshopper, the curiosity of a cat, the speed of a gazelle, the slyness of a fox, the softness of a kitten, and to top it all off He adds the mysterious mind of a woman.
Who else can cause you more grief, joy, irritation, satisfaction, embarrassment, and genuine delight than this combination of Eve, Salome, and Florence Nightingale? She can muss up your home, your hair, and your dignity-spend your money, your time, and your temper-then just when your patience is ready to crack, her sunshine peeks through and you've lost again."

-Alan Beck

Amelia Kate - 1 year

Happy Birthday Little Girl! I love you sooooo much...even your upside down soother.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

I love Garbage Day! You get to gather all of your trash, bundle it up in a big bag, throw it in the back lane and watch as someone else hauls it away...gone, vam-oosh, out of your life! I love it! Now, if only everything else could be like that. If only I could walk around with a big garbage bag and say goodbye to the mess, the dishes, the laundry, the wet towels, the toys, the Kleenex, the dusting, the clothes. BAG IT! HAUL IT! BE GONE! Just let someone else deal with it. If only my one responsibility was to bag things.

I try very hard to be a clean person. As the saying goes, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." I'm starting to believe that. My mother-in-law once told me that she had always wanted to write a book entitled, "The World Is A Better Place When The Toilet Bowl Is Clean." Being clean doesn't come naturally to me...being a total slob doesn't either. I find I'm somewhere in the middle and I would most likely be okay with that if I didn't have a husband and two kids who are a little closer to the 'slob' side. I love them, but MAN this place can get MESSY! For a long time I would just get annoyed about the mess that seemed to grow bigger and bigger every time I tried to tackle it. Then I read a book. A good book called, "How to live with a Messie". It helped me see that I need to tackle myself and myself alone. I do need to teach my kids to be clean, but other than that I can only improve my own habits. I also started to notice that mess really affects my mood. If I don't keep the house tidy I WILL be a bitch. And that's a scientific fact! So now I try very very very hard to be clean. There are days where I fail horribly, weeks even. I would say my biggest hurdle is the laundry. So much laundry in such little time. That and I forget. A whole day will go by before I think to myself, "Gee, that washing machine must be finished sometime soon!" Or I'll wake up to James asking, "Honey...do I have any pants to wear today?" in which I promptly reply, "Probably not"...sad. I am trying and I have come a long way. But, I should be cleaning right now. Bye.

Amelia Kate - 2 months

3.

Amelia Kate - 3 months (with cousin Caden)

4.

Amelia Kate - 4 months

5.

Amelia Kate - 5 months

6.

Amelia Kate - 6 months

7.

Amelia Kate - 7 months

Guess what!??! Amelia is walking! Yay! She is still mainly crawling around for now...it's safe when there is a crazy toddler running around. I must say, she is freakin' adorable when she attempts to branch out and take a few steps. Unlike Rhys (who was just a bump on a log for what seemed like forever) she gets equally as excited about the new mobility as we do. This proves to be just as funny (her excitement) as watching her walk. She even claps for herself!

8.

Amelia Kate - 8 months

*********************

Just a bit of an update...

I haven't had coffee for 4 days!!! I had some fairly major withdrawal yesterday including a bad headache but some Motrin took care of that quickly. I even went to Tim Horton's for lunch yesterday and was able to withstand the intoxicating aroma of their coffee! Amazing!

9.

Amelia Kate - 9 months (i think)

decaf won't do...i need an intervention.

I hate to say it, but I'm addicted to coffee. Horribly addicted. Horribly. I love it! I love the smell, the taste, the cup, the process, the sipping, the nurturing, the ritual, the anticipation...yes, obsessed.
I started drinking coffee at a very young age, in fact I can't remember a time that I didn't drink it. It's always been there to relax with. Coffee has been consistent during periods of upheaval. Coffee is always present during times of deep conversation with friends. Coffee is dependable!
I first started sensing something was off when I started getting excited to go to bed just so that I could wake up to have my morning coffee. Odd. I also realized I had issues when I could consume copious amounts of the drink and still crave more. It's music to my ears when someone offers a coffee and it's candy to my eyes to see a Tim Horton's sign.

No, decaf just wont do...I need an intervention. In my attempt to simplify I've decided to walk away from my life long friend for a little while. I don't feel healthy being so addicted to a little drink. Like I've said before, I need to de-clutter and make room for the Lord to speak. Some may wonder what the heck drinking coffee has to do with hearing God but I know that it will be good for me on many levels. I'll try not to cry too much.

As poorly written as it is, I HAVE to include a poem that I wrote in Jr. High because it's just so fitting. It shows just how obsessed I am. Enjoy.

COFFEE

I sit and I watch. I watch the white come out in a heavenly waterfall.

So smooth.

So silky.

It begins to live and have a purpose.

It pours out of it's tightly sealed life and falls

down,

down,

down.

It meets with the darkness.

Like volcanic lava it bundles,

slides,

settles.

It changes faces before my eyes.

I look into it and bring it to my mouth.

My awaiting tongue reaches for the taste of it.

I am immediately lifted.

A renewal,

a cleansing,

rushes through my blood.

I hold the sweet yet bitter flavour and await the next

downpour of this heavenly potion called

coffee.

*****************************

Amelia Kate - 10 months

11.

Amelia Kate - 11 months

amelia kate.

As my little girl approaches her first birthday I am full of mixed emotions. I am excited for the first stages of toddlerhood; the discovering, the walking, the talking. I loved when Rhys was in that stage. All of their little personalities start coming out and you really get a taste of what they are going to be like, yet they still have the baby in them. I'm excited for that. However, I feel hesitant and sad.

My life, a year ago, was horribly stressed. James and I were looking for a place to live in the city because we had to be out of our house in Niverville by August 1st. We couldn't afford to buy a place so renting was the only option. I called so many apartments hoping that each one would take us. *We were desperate and I was worried.* A number of landlords said 'no' over the phone when they learnt we had kids. *This infuriated me. I wanted to slap them in the face.* As I crossed off each day in my planner it got closer and closer to the box that held a big 'BABY IS DUE!' exclamation. I had been excited for Amelia but to be honest, it was off and on. So much happened that I wasn't expecting...for months I had wrestled with God wondering why He had given us another child in such an unstable home. It hurt. I could feel my relationship with God slipping away. It hurt some more.

After going through a sort-of postpartum depression after I had Rhys I was very hesitant to have our next baby and go through that again. This was part of my motivation for going on anti-depressants before I had her. I wanted to ward off the baby blues as much as I could. I had to pack-up my home, move my family, be my sisters maid-of-honor (three weeks after my due date) and somehow look after an infant (and a toddler)...and I was already stressed to begin with. It was just too much.

In preparing myself for a new baby and labour I tried to take on the 'whatever happens happens' attitude that I had held onto with Rhys. I tried to tell others that it was what I felt. Truth is, it wasn't. In my heart of hearts I had prayed and prayed that it would be a little girl, that my labour would be fast, that I wouldn't go past my due date, that I would give birth during the day, that I wouldn't need drugs, that she would be cuddly, that she would sleep insanely well, and on and on and on. I had prayed for so many specific things that I felt silly and quite dumb.

On July 25th, which was my due date, *our landlords had given us an extra month to stay in the house* I woke up in the morning and found that I had some fairly consistent contractions. I called my mom and she drove out to Niverville to take care of Rhys. James and I headed for Steinbach hoping we would only have to make one trip. Other than having to walk through the mall for an hour as the hospital prepared a room for me the labour went incredibly well. It was everything that I had been hoping and praying for...it was still horribly painful but that was fine with me. As they placed the baby on my tummy and announced that it was a little girl I felt overcome with emotion. It was crazy, it was weird, it was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better labour and I couldn't have asked for a better baby. Amelia is a cuddle bug and she (from the DAY she was born) only woke up once a night to eat and would sleep soundly the rest of the time.

A few weeks after she was born it dawned on me that God had been more than faithful. I know that we don't always get what we pray for and we rarely know what's best for us but in my heart I realized that this whole package of Amelia was a blessing for me and my relationship with Him. It felt like God was trying to show me that He is beside me and always listening. I hope this makes sense.

With all of that said, I feel a bit sad to be moving on from Amelia's baby stage. On the other hand I'm excited to see if Amelia is as odd as her brother *which I'm sure she will be*.

Amelia Kate - 12 months (almost)

JIMMY!

{I'm only calling you Jim because it's your birthday and for some odd reason it seems fitting.}

Well, I hope you have a wonderful day full of all of the exciting wishes, gifts, lollipops, and clowns that birthdays bring. Neither of us are big on birthdays or all of the cheese that seems to accompany them, but I will say this...you are an amazing man. This past year has been a crazy one for you, full of ups and downs and then more downs. You've handled yourself with an integrity and wisdom that is well beyond your age. I'm glad that I have you to laugh with, cry with and rant with. You are a great husband for me and a great father for my kids. Oh, and you're cute.

Happy Birthday from Rhys.
Happy Birthday from Ammie.

Happy Birthday from Me! I love you dearly and I hope and pray that I get to spend many many many more cheesy birthdays with you!

Julia, oh Julia, where for art thou Julia?

You've been such an amazing friend, especially this past year. I'm glad to see you stepping out of your comfort zone and taking huge leaps of faith with this next step. However, I'm sad that I'll have to wait a whole year to hang out with you again. Enjoy your time in Germany and try not to miss me too much! Love you Hoolia!

and now for something completely different

Today is a horribly blah day and I'm trying my hardest to not make it into a pity-party. I'm not even going to go into it for fear of shrinking into myself and being left with no hope of crawling out of the hole. So here is something refreshingly different and off topic:)

I can't decided what to do with my hair. I love changing my hair and trying new things (and colours). I had the 'Beckham' cut for the past year and dyed it from very blonde to very brown.

Now that I haven't done anything with it for a little while I feel as though I'm at a fork in the road. I could cut it again or let it grow long. I have an odd husband in that he hates long hair. I could shave my head and he would be ecstatic. Odd, I know. Here are two things I love at opposite ends of the spectrum...

Should I do this?

Or should I do this?

Either way, I wish I could do this!