As my little girl approaches her first birthday I am full of mixed emotions. I am excited for the first stages of toddlerhood; the discovering, the walking, the talking. I loved when Rhys was in that stage. All of their little personalities start coming out and you really get a taste of what they are going to be like, yet they still have the baby in them. I'm excited for that. However, I feel hesitant and sad.
My life, a year ago, was horribly stressed. James and I were looking for a place to live in the city because we had to be out of our house in Niverville by August 1st. We couldn't afford to buy a place so renting was the only option. I called so many apartments hoping that each one would take us. *We were desperate and I was worried.* A number of landlords said 'no' over the phone when they learnt we had kids. *This infuriated me. I wanted to slap them in the face.* As I crossed off each day in my planner it got closer and closer to the box that held a big 'BABY IS DUE!' exclamation. I had been excited for Amelia but to be honest, it was off and on. So much happened that I wasn't expecting...for months I had wrestled with God wondering why He had given us another child in such an unstable home. It hurt. I could feel my relationship with God slipping away. It hurt some more.
After going through a sort-of postpartum depression after I had Rhys I was very hesitant to have our next baby and go through that again. This was part of my motivation for going on anti-depressants before I had her. I wanted to ward off the baby blues as much as I could. I had to pack-up my home, move my family, be my sisters maid-of-honor (three weeks after my due date) and somehow look after an infant (and a toddler)...and I was already stressed to begin with. It was just too much.
In preparing myself for a new baby and labour I tried to take on the 'whatever happens happens' attitude that I had held onto with Rhys. I tried to tell others that it was what I felt. Truth is, it wasn't. In my heart of hearts I had prayed and prayed that it would be a little girl, that my labour would be fast, that I wouldn't go past my due date, that I would give birth during the day, that I wouldn't need drugs, that she would be cuddly, that she would sleep insanely well, and on and on and on. I had prayed for so many specific things that I felt silly and quite dumb.
On July 25th, which was my due date, *our landlords had given us an extra month to stay in the house* I woke up in the morning and found that I had some fairly consistent contractions. I called my mom and she drove out to Niverville to take care of Rhys. James and I headed for Steinbach hoping we would only have to make one trip. Other than having to walk through the mall for an hour as the hospital prepared a room for me the labour went incredibly well. It was everything that I had been hoping and praying for...it was still horribly painful but that was fine with me. As they placed the baby on my tummy and announced that it was a little girl I felt overcome with emotion. It was crazy, it was weird, it was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better labour and I couldn't have asked for a better baby. Amelia is a cuddle bug and she (from the DAY she was born) only woke up once a night to eat and would sleep soundly the rest of the time.
A few weeks after she was born it dawned on me that God had been more than faithful. I know that we don't always get what we pray for and we rarely know what's best for us but in my heart I realized that this whole package of Amelia was a blessing for me and my relationship with Him. It felt like God was trying to show me that He is beside me and always listening. I hope this makes sense.
With all of that said, I feel a bit sad to be moving on from Amelia's baby stage. On the other hand I'm excited to see if Amelia is as odd as her brother *which I'm sure she will be*.
My life, a year ago, was horribly stressed. James and I were looking for a place to live in the city because we had to be out of our house in Niverville by August 1st. We couldn't afford to buy a place so renting was the only option. I called so many apartments hoping that each one would take us. *We were desperate and I was worried.* A number of landlords said 'no' over the phone when they learnt we had kids. *This infuriated me. I wanted to slap them in the face.* As I crossed off each day in my planner it got closer and closer to the box that held a big 'BABY IS DUE!' exclamation. I had been excited for Amelia but to be honest, it was off and on. So much happened that I wasn't expecting...for months I had wrestled with God wondering why He had given us another child in such an unstable home. It hurt. I could feel my relationship with God slipping away. It hurt some more.
After going through a sort-of postpartum depression after I had Rhys I was very hesitant to have our next baby and go through that again. This was part of my motivation for going on anti-depressants before I had her. I wanted to ward off the baby blues as much as I could. I had to pack-up my home, move my family, be my sisters maid-of-honor (three weeks after my due date) and somehow look after an infant (and a toddler)...and I was already stressed to begin with. It was just too much.
In preparing myself for a new baby and labour I tried to take on the 'whatever happens happens' attitude that I had held onto with Rhys. I tried to tell others that it was what I felt. Truth is, it wasn't. In my heart of hearts I had prayed and prayed that it would be a little girl, that my labour would be fast, that I wouldn't go past my due date, that I would give birth during the day, that I wouldn't need drugs, that she would be cuddly, that she would sleep insanely well, and on and on and on. I had prayed for so many specific things that I felt silly and quite dumb.
On July 25th, which was my due date, *our landlords had given us an extra month to stay in the house* I woke up in the morning and found that I had some fairly consistent contractions. I called my mom and she drove out to Niverville to take care of Rhys. James and I headed for Steinbach hoping we would only have to make one trip. Other than having to walk through the mall for an hour as the hospital prepared a room for me the labour went incredibly well. It was everything that I had been hoping and praying for...it was still horribly painful but that was fine with me. As they placed the baby on my tummy and announced that it was a little girl I felt overcome with emotion. It was crazy, it was weird, it was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better labour and I couldn't have asked for a better baby. Amelia is a cuddle bug and she (from the DAY she was born) only woke up once a night to eat and would sleep soundly the rest of the time.
A few weeks after she was born it dawned on me that God had been more than faithful. I know that we don't always get what we pray for and we rarely know what's best for us but in my heart I realized that this whole package of Amelia was a blessing for me and my relationship with Him. It felt like God was trying to show me that He is beside me and always listening. I hope this makes sense.
With all of that said, I feel a bit sad to be moving on from Amelia's baby stage. On the other hand I'm excited to see if Amelia is as odd as her brother *which I'm sure she will be*.
Amelia Kate - 12 months (almost)
1 comment:
and her adopted-auntie julia is missing her!!! i still remember the phone call from james the afternoon she was born. i am so blessed to be a part of your lives, and through you a part of hers. :)
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