In my mind it's so confusing and muddled...
confuddled.
Have you ever had a dream where you're trying/struggling to get somewhere? Try as you may the only thing you end up doing is moving farther and farther away from you desired goal? I haven't, not that I can remember at least. However, it feels as though my current state could be summed up in a dream like that. I want to be able to smile at people and genuinely feel it. I want to be able to tell people that I've got it figured out (for the most part), that I love where I'm at, that I enjoy every moment of being a parent, that I'm thrilled with being a stay-at-home mom, that I don't feel angry every time I think about her, that I've forgiven him, and most importantly that God and I are just dandy. I want to say those things and mean them.
I'm turning 25 soon and it seems like I should have more things figured out. Maybe I feel this way because I'm not your typical 25 year old; I've been married for 4 years and I have 2 kids. I know there have been people who have thought that James and I have 'got it'. We're married, we have a boy and a girl (the million dollar family apparently), James has a great job that he loves, we have our own house, we have a nice truck...yada yada yada.
Why do I feel so empty if I apparently 'have it'? I know the answer, I just don't want to face it.
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"in her prayers she whispers, 'if you don't mind, please change everything about me, or just make me go away. i can't look myself in the eye cause my mirror mirror it never lies. why can't i breath? there's this weight on my chest and i can't seem to lift it. can i be free? can i just lay back and breath'...."
Breath
by
Meghan Pierce
2 comments:
hmm, yep. i often feel like my mind is just one gigantic snow globe. and the swirling flakes are my thoughts and experiences that just kind of float around empty space. nothing feels really grounded in there. nothing feels like i can really grab a hold of it and be sure of its substance. it scares me to think that this may be just how it is.
but i know it isn't. thanks for sharing, bria.
i want to be able to say those things too. i want the painful things that happanned to me so many years ago to just go away.
why won't they go away? sometimes i think people must think that i'm just keeping it all alive. for what? and if i am doing that then i really don't want too. i just don't always know how to fully let it all go. and be real about it at the same time.
help me God. help us all.
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