there's a puddle on my soul-part 2

in my mind it's so confusing and muddled....

confuddled.

soggy thoughts run amuck

i think and i think

i try to stand up

but all i can do is sit with my rain boots on

and splash

in this puddle.

Do you ever think about how special you are? Or who you are special to? It seems these questions have plagued my mind for the past few weeks. What makes me so special? What makes me stand out? What makes me different?

Growing up I had always felt that I was created for something wonderful and exciting. I can't really explain it but I thought that God had this amazing plan for me and that I was made for greatness. I wouldn't have been able to venture a guess as to what the plan was or where I would end up but it just seemed like one day I would be somebody. It sounds silly, I know, but it's what I felt. It didn't matter what I did, in my mind, because I would be good and excel. Hmmmm.

Skip ahead to present day. I feel boring. I feel bland. I feel monotonous. I feel like I'm just a routine. I feel a bit like Mr. Incredible from 'The Incredibles'. Made for greatness but lost somewhere on the journey, unable to find himself. I try to go over lists, again in my mind, of what I'm good at. I try to focus on what I can develop but somehow amidst the 'positive thinking' exercise my thoughts snag on a negative, and then another negative, and then another and another and another. Soon my positive thinking has turned into a self sabotage and I feel like crawling into a hole.

I think that part of my issue is that I get my hopes up. I envision what things are going to be like or what they should be like. Silly things. Little things. I build things up in my head to be wonderful and glorious, something like the scene in 'Pride and Prejudice' where Elizabeth walks into the meadow while the sun is just coming up. Through the fog you see a little speck which slowly turns into Mr. Hotness Himself/Mr. Darcy. I'm sure that every woman who has watched that scene has experienced extreme heart palpitations at the moment Mr. Darcy tells Elizabeth that she has 'bewitched him'. How romantic. How perfect. How unreal. And that's just what it is...unreal. So why do I build things up to such extremes only to be let down my the smallest thing? I don't know. I realize that I do this and I've tried to curb it but it seems like it's built into me. Hmmmm. Built into me. Built into me. Built into me.

I read (most-of) the book 'Captivating' by Stacey and John Eldridge a few years ago. It made sense in my mind, but more importantly it made sense in my girly heart. I have a need to be special and captivating. I've been created that way. But how does that translate? How do I take that and make it work/apply it to my routine life? I don't feel captivating. At all. I don't feel very special. I don't feel like I'm living 'greatness'. Are these all little girl dreams and do I just need to come to terms with the fact that life isn't like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy finding each other in that meadow?

Hmmmmm.