As I've been contemplating my life and my heart one thing has resurfaced time and time again...I need to simplify. I feel as though I've become so cluttered and noisy, complicated and tangled. I know that God is trying to speak to me. I have the same angst in my soul that I usually have before a major change.
* this has happened several times in my life. one example of this is when I was just out of high school. James and I were sitting in my room and I was crying. I had felt for some time that I was distant from God and I didn't like that...I had an uneasiness in my heart. I cried to James that I just wanted to be closer to Him (God) and that I missed Him. exactly a year later I was on an airplane to Australia to spend time with Him...it turned out to be an amazing time of spiritual growth and I changed a lot while I was gone*
I'm not saying that God doesn't teach me things without me having this overall anxiousness, but it's a very specific type of revelation...it's a paradigm shift. For those of you who don't know the exact definition of paradigm shift, here it is: a fundamental change in approach or assumptions. It's rather freaky-deaky when you think about it...the God of the universe is about to mess with my mind and my life. Like I said in my last post, "If only I could live my way." But it's not like that, and I don't want to be complacent. We are too self-satisfied here in North America, our bellies are too full and our couches are too comfortable. We are unaware and untouched by the world around us because we are too busy with meaningless, cluttering things. I refuse to follow suit and watch my soul rot away into the millionaire club.
*that could be a confusing comment for some so I'll explain. my father has repeatedly told me that I should wake up every morning and say to myself, "I WILL be a millionaire. I WILL be a millionaire" because words are powerful and so is positive thinking. I thoroughly disagree with this theology and pagan-esque chant. My words are not more powerful than the will of God and the 'positive thinking' movement that has swept across North America via the Oprah Show is a cancer within Christianity.*
I thought that this was going to be a very short blog but apparently I have a lot on my mind:) The point that I wanted to get across, mainly to myself, is that I need to make room in my life and in my heart for what I'm learning. With that said, I've decided to 'Thrift for a Year'. For those of you who know me well, and now for those of you who don't, you'll know how much I love fashion and shopping. I don't get to shop very often anymore because of my lack of transportation and my high-energy toddler, but I still love it. It can easily clutter my life and my bedroom and it is often used as a band-aid during stressful times. It is something that I've never wanted to categorize as 'void-filling' but, alas, it is. SO, thrift for a year and that's that.
5 comments:
Hi Bria, my apologies in advance for the super long comment...
First of all, I want to thank you for your 2 most recent posts. I can tell that they are very honest and revealing and from the heart. It takes courage to publish those thoughts on the world wide web and I thank you for not trying to present an edited version of yourself to the people who read your blog, whether they're close friends or complete strangers. It's a trait of yours I admire and strive towards with my own blog. I want to be honest with myself and not portray an edited "superchristian" version of myself, but I still find it tough to share things like doubts on my blog, even when I know it is good for me to do so.
The part of this post in which you talked about feeling "cluttered" and our luxurious North American lifestyles reminded me of something I read in one of my Prov textbooks. The book went through spiritual disciplines one at a time and the chapter that hit me most was the one on fasting. I was struck not by the physical act of giving up food, but by the larger thing it signified: recognizing our dependence on God for everything. The author of my textbook wrote:
"St. Augustine once said that God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to recieve them. If our hands are full, they are full of the things to which we are addicted. And not only our hands, but also our hearts, minds, and attention are clogged with addiction. Our addictions fill up the spaces within us, spaces where grace might flow. Fasting is important in Christian experience because it deepens within the whole self a sense of one's dependence upon the strength of God. Fasting is more than an act of abstinence. It is an affirmative act; it is a way of waiting on God; it is an act of surrender."
Those words really hit me, at first I thought that "addiction" was too strong of a word but then I realized that that's really what a lot of things in my life are. Just crutches and distractions from what's truly important.
Also, I think your "thrift for a year" idea is great. I think I will join you. As a student I don't have much income to waste anyway, and I've been thinking a lot about doing something like that for some time now.
Thanks again for your post, I hope that the coming weeks and months really are a time of learning and growth. I know nothing is scarier than a "paradigm shift" but remember that "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8)
hi bria...
i really like your "thrift for a year" decision.
where in austrailia did you go? i was there for a ywam school in 98.
you might like to read geez magazine. its from winnipeg.
geezmagazine.org
hi Bria. Thanks for your comment at my blog. I think I've made a great discovery in coming over to yours. Ironic, that I've been thinking a lot about fasting and consumerism, and then read your fabulous post, then this great comment form Jordan. I have been thinking that I should consider a fast from thrifting, as I am quite compulsive about it. I just need to figure out my parameters, as I tend to set myself up with too extreme guidelines. Something like purchasing only things that are needed. Not stuff I don't need. Oh. ouch. it hurts.
you are a brave brave woman. only someone who loves to shop as much as you and i could truly understand this sacrifice. i repeat, you are brave.
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